My Girlfriend, Yuffie
by Gohan Roxas
Summary: My genius/asshole best friend has come up with what he seems to think is the ultimate dating sim, where you can romance any Final Fantasy character you want. I picked Yuffie, for no major reason other than I like her. Only there's been a freak storm. And Yuffie is now real. And living in my house. WHAT! Yuffie/OC (who is basically me). Rated for language and innuendos (maybe).
1. In Which My Best Friend's An Asshole

_**It's happening again. I'm having new ideas, but not old ones (if that makes sense). Whatever. Here's a little something that…honestly? I have no idea what it is.**_

* * *

_My Girlfriend, Yuffie  
__Chapter 1: In Which My Best Friend's An Asshole_

Few people understand me. Most of the ones who do live thousands of miles away, because I met them through Tumblr. Then there's Marcus. He understands me. He's also a real dick about it sometimes.

I should explain. Marcus is kinda-sorta a genius. He doesn't spend all his time gaming (like me), but he _does_ spend it inventing and/or creating programs. He also drinks. A lot. Which is another thing I don't do.

So anyway, he's around at my house one day and he tells me, "Hey, so, you know how you're sorta obsessed with video game characters, right?"

"It's not an obsession," I correct him, "it's just a healthy affection that really isn't as healthy as the phrase implies."

"Right," he drawls, drawing out the word sarcastically. "Anyway, I think I've found my _magnum opus_, and it ties right into that. I created this program on one of my spare laptops…"

"Please, stop reminding me of how rich you are."

"…and its sole purpose is…" He leaves it hanging.

I sigh. He always does this, being theatrical about things. And _I _was the one who did Drama in high school (I always played Mercutio in productions of _Romeo & Juliet_, and a friend of mine was always Tybalt. I think the universe was trying to tell us something). "What is its sole purpose, Marcus?"

He poses dramatically. "A dating simulator."

I blink. "You've gotta be kidding me. Your _magnum opus_ is a dating sim?"

"Wait for it, though. I programmed it with a heap of characters from that…uh…_Final Fantasy_ thing you like. The girl in pink all the time, the one with ridiculously big tits…"

"Don't say 'tits', it's demeaning to women," I say reflexively. The extreme branch of Tumblr feminism seems to be rubbing off on me.

Marcus just rolls his eyes. "That ninja girl's in there too."

I shake my head. "You're an asshole, you know that?"

"Yeah. But I'm willing to give this thing to you."

"Nu-uh, no way, not a chance in the nine Hells."

"C'mon, Gohan, give it a shot."

I glower at him before staring at my feet.

Before I go any further, I should explain about the whole "Gohan" thing. Back in high school, Gohan was my nickname – partially because I bore a vague resemblance to the _Dragon Ball Z_ character of the same name, but mainly because of a game a friend and I used to play in Japanese class. We'd both grab a Japanese-English dictionary and read out "Are you a…" and a Japanese word, and the other would have to answer yes or no. I always seemed to answer yes to things that surrounded rice, and so my nickname became Gohan, because _gohan_ means "ricebowl" in Japanese.

Anyway, back to my thought process. I really didn't want to do this whole Final Fantasy dating sim thing (not seriously, anyway), but Marcus had this ridiculously earnest look on his face (complete with puppy dog eyes). I could never say no to it.

Today is no exception.

"Alright, fine, I'll take it."

"Great!" Marcus beams, digging into his backpack (how had I not noticed that before?) and pulling out a mangled laptop. I say "mangled" because it looks a little weird, with parts that shouldn't really be there on it, but otherwise it was a brand-new laptop. "Here," he says, handing it to me, "this is it. You just have to construct a profile on it – being honest, mind you – then pick who you want to…er, 'interact' with."

I just look at him.

What have I gotten myself into?

* * *

The next day, I don't see Marcus (he's too busy working on a cure for cancer, probably). I just sit glaring at the laptop, my knees clasped against my chest. It all seems so stupid and condescending. But…at the same time…my interest is piqued.

Ah, screw it. I may as well.

I grab the laptop and start it up. Immediately, a questionnaire you'd expect to see in a stereotypical teenage girl's magazine pops up with gems of questions like "Do you like long walks on the beach?" or my personal favourite, "If you were stranded on a deserted island, what three things would you bring with you?"

After that, I get asked to pick a character to "woo", as the program tells me. When I see Tifa's name, I pause. I'll admit, I've crushed pretty hard on her for a long time, but… Eh, she belongs with Cloud, anyway.

I see Yuffie next. Each character has their own model when you highlight their name, and Yuffie's was amazing, I'll admit. Apart from a moderately larger bust (which I put down to Marcus being more than just a little perverted), she looked exactly like she had in _Dirge of Cerberus_. _Oh, what the hell? _I think, clicking her name. The model of her bounces up and down for joy in a very Yuffie-ish way when I pick her.

Then it gets down to the usual thing. Setting up a scenario where virtual-me meets her in Edge just after she's visited Cloud and Tifa in 7th Heaven one day, virtual-me attempting to turn on the charm, Yuffie reacting in both typical fashion and all blushy, which is new on me. I'm surprised that Marcus has gotten her personality down to a tee; he's never played a video game in his life.

It stays like this for a while, virtual-me talking to her, virtual-her replying, until I notice the time. _Crap. I need to sleep. _Luckily, there's an option in the program to say "I need to head home", which I pick. 'Yuffie' acts all sad, but lets 'me' go, but not before giving me a piece of paper that has her fake phone number (I say fake because she's a bunch of pixels, OK?), before the program closes.

Rolling my eyes and cursing Marcus slightly (but only slightly; I was actually having fun with this), I take a shower and head to bed.

* * *

A little later, thunder rumbles overhead. I'm still wide awake, but I think nothing of the storm. Nothing's on or plugged in, so it's fine, right?

A massive crash of lightning begs to differ. Shortly after that, there's a thump. Huh. That sounded like…_a person_.

Startled, thinking someone's trying to rob me of my precious gaming materials, I jump out of bed and open my bedroom door, heading towards the source of the noise.

When I get in there, Marcus' laptop is on and shining with a white light. I thought I'd turned that off. The light is illuminating a body on the floor, one that shifts a little and groans. Whoever it is, they're on their stomach. Curious, I flip the person over.

I recoil a little and whisper, "What the fuck?"

Yuffie Kisaragi is lying semi-conscious on my living room floor.


	2. In Which I Freak Out

_**Well, here's another chapter. Also, this one contains some Japanese, but I got it from Google Translate (it's been a while since my last Japanese class. Two years, I think).**_

* * *

_My Girlfriend, Yuffie  
Chapter 2: In Which I Freak Out_

Oh, God. What do I do? WHAT THE HELL DO I DO?! A fictional character is passed out on my floor! Public school did _not_ prepare me for this!

Okay, okay, calm down, just get a hold of yourself. Treat her like an ordinary person who's passed out on your floor.

Well, that's only marginally better.

To be honest with you, the only thing I can think of doing is getting her somewhere she can sleep. You'll note how I avoided the whole 'getting her into bed' trap. My mind's dirty enough to know what not to say and when not to say it.

Gingerly, I pick her up and escort her to my bedroom. She groans a little again, but I ignore it as I carefully place her on my bed, tucking her under the quilt.

Okay, okay, what else is she gonna need when she wakes up? Probably…pain meds! She'll probably have a headache that feels like the Blitz when she comes around. I grab a sheet of paracetamol and cut off a set of two tablets, then pour a glass of lukewarm water. Quietly, I place the two on the bedside table and walk out, closing the door behind me with barely any noise, a fact I am very proud of.

Okay. Yuffie Kisaragi is sleeping/out cold in my bed. So where am I gonna sleep?

I go for the obvious choice. The sofa. My back's gonna hurt like a mo-fo in the morning, but, hell, somebody's KO'd in my bedroom, I think it's worth the risk.

I grab some spare sheets from the laundry, then go out to the sofa, commandeering some pillows that have been lying around for no reason since the last time Marcus and my few other friends had convinced me to let them have a D&D session at my place (for those wondering, I didn't play).

With that organised, I put my head on the pillow and try to sleep.

* * *

I'd finally gotten to sleep when a shrill scream jostled me. That was definitely Yuffie.

Man, it still feels weird to say that.

I get up and bolt for my bedroom. The door's still closed, so there's that. Behind it, though, I can hear Yuffie ranting half in English and half in Japanese (I assume she speaks it because Japan's _FFVII _counterpart is Wutai).

"Oh, Leviathan!" she's saying. "What do I…_Doo shimashita ka?_* Where am I? Whose room… Oh, no. _Watashi wa dare ka sakuya to issho ni ie ni iku no desu ka?_"**

Quietly, I open the door. Even then it must startle her, because she yells out incoherently and adopts a martial arts stance.

"Whoa, whoa, take it easy! You passed out!" I defend myself.

Her hands fall as she looks at me with wide hazel eyes. "Big G?"

I blink. "Big what-now?"

"It's you!" Yuffie squeals, moving forward and hugging me tightly.

What the hell is going on? "Er…"

"Don't you remember me?" she pouts, pulling back from the hug.

"How could I forget you, Yuffie?" I say reflexively, not even thinking of the possible contexts.

A brushing of pink appears on her cheeks and she hugs me again. "Yay! I knew you wouldn't!"

Now I'm the one who's blushing.

Yuffie pulls back and cradles her head slightly. "_Nande?_*** Why does my head hurt so much?"

"I told you, you passed out. Here." I grab the pain pills and water I'd left for her the night before and hand them to her.

"Aww, you're so sweet." She takes the pills out of the foil wrapping (or whatever it's called) before popping them into her mouth, washing them down with a massive gulp of water.

I take this opportunity to covertly look her up and down (hey, I'm a teenage boy, of course I'm gonna look). She looks exactly like Marcus' portrait of her in the sim, being much more curvaceous than she was in the games or movie. She's nowhere near a match for Tifa, but _damn_.

Yuffie finishes guzzling the water and smirks at me. "Enjoying the view?"

My eyes widen and I blush even deeper. "U-uhh," I mumble, looking for a change in subject. "W-where did you get 'Big G' from?"

"Oh, I just figured, you called yourself Gohan, and you're a tall dude, so…Big G."

She's got a point there.

"So…what exactly is goin' on here, Big G?" Yuffie asks. "Why am I in your house? I mean, apart from the whole passing out thing. How did I get here in the first place?"

I take a deep breath. Guess I've gotta bite the bullet here, huh? "Well…where I come from – well, here, really – you're…" I gulp. "A fictional character."

Her eyes widen. "Whaa?"

"As in a video game character."

"Ooh! Am I a daring heroine? Do I get the guy in the end?"

"Um…sorta, yeah, and no. In that order."

"Oh." She seems crestfallen.

"Anyway, when we…met before, that was because of this program my friend created." God, this is hard to explain. "He had a…database of all these characters from some of my favourite games, and…I picked you."

Her eyes narrow. "Was Boobs on this list?"

"If you mean Tifa, yes. Also Aerith."

There's a slight glint in Yuffie's hazel eyes now. "So…you picked me…over Tifa?"

I think I might be blushing now. "Uhh…y-yeah. Besides, she belongs with Cloud."

The (previously fictional) ninja squeals and hugs me.

"Um. Not that I'm not grateful for the hug and all, but…why?"

"Three reasons. One: I agree with you; Boobs and Spiky belong together. Two: You picked _me_ over her. Three: You're cute when you blush."

That only makes me blush harder.

"Okay then. If I'm a fictional character here, that means you're the only one I know." Thank you for the obvious info, Yuffie. "Guess that means I hafta stay here with you."

"I guess so. Problem is I have no spare bedroom, and trust me…" Here I groan and put a hand on my back. "…you don't wanna sleep on the couch."

"I know. That's why we're gonna share a bed."

I arch an eyebrow in a gesture that would make The Rock proud. "Formerly-fictional-cutie say what?"

Even now she blushed a little at the compliment. "It makes sense. You gotta admit that."

"Yes, I suppose it's logical. But, Yuffie, we've known each other face-to-face for about an hour."

She shrugs. "I don't really care. For some reason I really think we…just…click. Like it was meant to happen."

I gulp a little. "Are you suggesting that maybe you were created for the sole purpose of eventually crossing over into this world and being my girlfriend?"

She poked at her lower lip as she pouted, a cute gesture if ever there was one. "Pretty much, yeah."

Well, shit.

* * *

_Translations:_

_* = What happened?_

_** = Did I go home with someone last night? __**(A/N: I think. It's been a while since I wrote that bit)**_

_*** = What?_


End file.
